


Facing the Facts

by Angelwithwingsoffire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Afterwards Always Sucks, Episode Related, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Not really happy but hopeful maybe?, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad with a Happy Ending, s15 e18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:21:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27414169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelwithwingsoffire/pseuds/Angelwithwingsoffire
Summary: The coming fight will change the world, but first Dean needs a moment to process the things he just learned, about Cas and about himself.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 79





	Facing the Facts

Dean ignored his phone as it rang yet again. He wished Sam would realize that he didn’t want to talk right now. If he was thinking more clearly, he’d realize that Sam was trying to make sure he was still alive. But he wasn’t thinking clearly. His mind hadn’t been clear since those words came out of Castiel’s mouth. 

_“I love you.”_

Dean could still hear the echo in his head, bouncing off the inside of his skull, getting louder with every resonate clang. 

He almost couldn’t believe it, but looking back... Well it wasn’t as unbelievable as he thought at first. Ever since they first met, Cas has been there for Dean. They’d faced literal hell and high waters together. With Cas, they were able to face off against Demons, the Devil, Death, and God himself. And Cas never faltered. Even when the Angels took him back, when they stole his Grace and left him nothing more than a normal human. Even when he’d been killed a half a dozen times, he always came back and stood side by side with them against whatever came their way.

And now he was gone. He was gone, maybe forever, and Dean didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. He didn’t get the chance to say....well he didn’t get to say a lot of things. So there was only one thing left to do. He just hoped it was still there.

The drive was long, and exhausting, but it seemed to pass in the blink of an eye, with all the thoughts bouncing around in his head. All the _words_ bouncing around in his head. Words he had said, and words he regretted never saying. 

Before long, Dean had arrived, and he was more grateful than he had words to express when he saw that the old barn was still standing. Years ago, he would have said “thank god” but that wasn’t really an option anymore. So instead he just appreciated this one moment of luck, threw himself out of the car, and stumbled his way towards the door. 

He couldn’t bring himself to throw open the large doors, that had never been his spot, so he simply slipped in through the side door, looking around the long forgotten space. He and Bobby had never been able to figure out who this old place belonged to, but he was relieved to see it was the same as it had been that day. The first day. 

Dean walked out into the middle of the room, where it had all began, and turned slowly on the spot, looking at all the sigils on the walls. He could still name every single one of them, but he was a lot more knowledgeable than he had been back then. None of these sigils would help them now. None of these were able to even slow down the things they faced now. But they were good for one thing now. They sent him back, to the fear and the anger and the stress he’d experienced those first days after he crawled out of his own grave. Proving to Bobby that it was really him, trying to figure out what had brought him back, and it all culminated in that one fateful moment. 

In the moment, it had been terrifying, hearing the rattle of the roof, knowing the power of the being they had summoned. But then those doors had opened wide, and he walked in. Dean didn’t know how important that man, that _angel_ , was going to become, but he didn’t regret a single sentence of it. 

“Cas.” Dean whispered, his voice cracking. He’d been crying ever since he’d left he bunker, and the tears didn’t slow down now. “I’m sorry.” He looked up at the roof, trying to send his words to wherever Cas was now. He refused to believe that the angel, ( _his_ angel for Cas had truly never been anything else and he knew that now,) was truly gone from this world. 

“I didn’t know.” Dean continued. But then he shook his head, looking down at his feet and sighing. “That’s a lie. And I can’t lie to you anymore.” He turned back to the doors, the doors that had opened and changed his world forever. “I think I always knew, but I never had the balls to actually see it. To acknowledge it. To _accept it_. You were always there, watching over Sam and I. And Jack now. Through everything, you were right there with us. And I-” Dean’s voice broke, but he pushed through, refusing to let something simple like tears stop him now.

“You said I changed you, but Cas, you changed me more. Before you, I had never trusted anyone other than my brother and Bobby. Even my dad was never at that level. But you...you slipped right by every wall I had and dug yourself a hole right in the middle of my heart. And I never had the strength to stop you because...” Dean had to stop and take a deep, slow breath. He’d denied himself this for a long time, too long now that Cas was gone, and he wasn’t going to do this anymore.

“I love you Cas.” Dean spoke carefully, trying to sound clear and strong through the thickness of his tears. “I think I have for a long time, and I’m sorry that I never had the courage to do anything about it.”

Dean looked down at the mark on his shoulder, the bloody handprint on the cloth right over where Castiel’s original handprint had sat. He reached his hand up, running his fingers along the mark Cas had left behind. He smiled, remembering how scared he was when he saw the original one. But now, years later, he missed it. He missed the constant and phyiscal reminder that he wasn’t alone, even when he seemed to be.

He finally looked back at the door, and then glanced up at the ceiling, a smile on his face. 

“We’re going to stop this Cas.” He declared. “I promise. Sam and I are going to stop this. And I am going to find you. And when I do, I’m not going to let anything stop me from telling you that I love you. I’m not letting you ever leave me again. But for now, until I find you again...Goodbye Cas. I love you too.”

With that done, he turned around and left again. He wasn’t going to stick around here, not when they had a world to save.

Grabbing his phone again when he got back to the car, he called Sam back. It only rang twice before the call connected.

“Dean?” Sam’s voice crackled through the phone. “Dean are you there? Can you hear me? Is Cas with you? I can’t get through to him.”

“He’s gone.” Dean’s voice cracked again. Telling Sam made it...real in a way it hadn’t yet. “Sam, Cas is gone. They-It- He saved me.”

“Oh no.” Sam’s voice was barely more than a whisper. “Are you-?”

“I went back to where it started.” Dean cut him off. “Where I met him. I-I had to say goodbye. He-he said goodbye to me. And he said, well he said-”

“He said he loved you, didn’t he?” Sam guessed.

Dean’s rattling breath was the only answer Sam needed. 

“Come join us.” Sam told him. “We’re going to stop this. We’re going to get them back.”

“Sam, if we don’t-”

Sam cut him off. “Don’t talk like that.”

“I need to say this Sam.” Dean shot back. The silence at the other end was his only answer. “If we don’t fix this, if we can’t get them back....” Dean took a deep breath. “I’m going to find him. Even if it means joining him.”

There was a long moment of silence, and then Sam spoke. “We’ll get him back. I can’t lose you too.”

“I love him.” Dean whispered.

“I know.” Sam whispered back. “I’ve seen it.”

“I need to tell him.” Dean declared.

“You will.” Sam promised. “I know you will.”

**Author's Note:**

> Oops? I blame tumblr?


End file.
